Narcissus
I know that even when you gazed, lovingly, into my eyes
I always knew that
you were simply staring straight back into your own.

Permanence
I still see you in the scars that cover my body,
the ones I was too scared to tell you about.

Exhaustion
I wonder how you sleep at night,
while I toss and turn
waiting for you to come back.

i miss you so much

Only time will tell
How am I supposed to love
when I’ve been taught
that love is only granted
to those who are worthy?

Not broken, just lonely
What am I supposed to do,
when my heart has a hole
that only longs for you?

Missing piece
When I’m with you,
I feel less whole
than if I was completely alone.

Found on the side of the road
I am a stray dog
with a loud bark and sharp teeth
long claws and a torn-off ear,

But when will you realize
that I’m as scared of me as you are?

A mentally absent mother
You’re only here
when it’s convenient,
yet when I needed you the most,
you were nowhere to be found.

The view from halfway down
You could see his face melt
from upset to horrified
from horrified to regret

splash

A mistake at its worst
It’s said that
when you look at love
through rose-colored glasses,
all of the red flags
just look like regular flags.
I see your cherry-red flags
loud and clear
and I still chose you.

i regret that now

An ode to anorexia
Maybe if I make myself feel
as empty physically
as you made me feel mentally,
I’ll learn to accept it.

Monkey see, monkey do
He will come up to you,
grab you by your neck,
and scream at you.
This, my dear, is love.

or, at least, that was what I was shown

A whole new world
Everyone comes into the world screaming and crying.
Maybe that’s why I cried when I met you.

a brand-new start

Replacement
Your breath rippled across my skin,
your fingers intertwined with mine.
“I hope we stay together forever,”

a touch i will never feel again

Father
When I hear your voice,
fear possesses my body
just as it did
so many years ago.

Childhood memories
i can’t rehmembur
what hapuned yesturday
my memory is to bad.

i’m sorry i could never help you

A love I can’t live without
I breathe him in,
with a deep inhale.

He gives a small smirk
because he knows
I will always come running back,
even when he hurts me.

it’s never on purpose, so I forgive him anyways

Empty
How can I be ‘myself,’
when under all of my fake personas
is only an abandoned husk from long ago?

i can’t recognize who i am anymore

My love
I can’t sleep when I’m with you.
I can’t eat either.
You make me feel so productive
yet so, so weak.

an addiction waiting to happen

Concert hall
People are like symphonies,
each phase of your life is a movement.

One bad movement in a symphony
doesn’t make the entire symphony bad.

One bad phase of your life
does not make you a bad person.

a lesson I had to learn

True love is physical
I can’t look at myself in the mirror
without seeing you too.

The bruises that you left on my skin,
they prove that you love me.

that’s what you told me, at least

A note to my fifth-grade love interest
I love
my delusional, idealized perception of
you.

A note to my fifth-grade love interest, part two
When I pass you in the hallway,
there’s only one thought going through my head;
“Are you still the person I once knew?”

no, you’re not

A desire that will never be fulfilled
When will you see me
not for my looks,
but for my feelings?

when you’re sober, my dear

A distant dream
The record skips,
and skips again.
He goes up to fix the vinyl,
our favorite song starts.
He grabs my hand,
we begin to waltz,
he leans in for a kiss,

Smooth jazz, My phones alarm.
7:00 am already.

good morning to me, i guess

Lasting and longing
Late every night,
you crawl into my bed.
Yet when I wake up,
you become a memory once again.

i slept better with your arms around me.

Plus one
When you laugh or smile,
suddenly it’s a late 2019 night
at the dance,
and you look astonishing.
But you’re not alone;
Your partner is wearing your exact shade,
in that beautiful warm yellow tone.

i knew i’d look better in black and white anyways,
so i didn’t mind.

Disgust
Weight looks so good on everyone else
but when it’s on me,
I feel disgusted by my body.

a way of thinking i would never understand

A filling meal
The knife slides through the sweet, red, strawberry.
Once, twice, three times, four.
Red stains the cutting board.
Sugar is poured on the sliced-up strawberry,
while red bleeds throughout the sugar.

all better, i thought
(it wasn’t)

A nightmare dream come true
“You lost weight.
It looks good.”
“Have I?
I didn’t notice.”

a white lie never hurt anyone.

A lover, A liar
People have a way
of saying things that aren’t completely true,
however, my dear,
the lies are completely you.

when you learn someone isn’t who
they said they were.

White tank top
Wear me like a white tank top,
take great care not to stain or rip me.

When you inevitably do,
keep me in your drawers.

Not to wear, but just to
take
up
s p a c e.

Leech
You are the sun,
and I am the grass that feeds off of you.
You are the only one who fuels me.

little did i know,
i am the one who fuels everything else

Stars
I look up to the sky,
and see myself.
My trauma is not what defines me,
rather how I cope with it.

i cope with the stars

A mentally absent mother, the sequel
Thank you, so much.
You brought to my attention
many important things
like my weight
my clothes
my voice
so, thank you, once again
for showing me how
to hate everything about me.

Lightbulb
I am a lightbulb
filled with too much electricity
my light glows bright
yet my glass wears thin
t h i n n e r
t h i n n e r
t h i n n e r

crack.

A mistake I wish to take back
There was no love
in my first kiss.
Only the unmistakable taste
of alcohol and regret.

An annual tradition
Every year, on my birthday
I tell myself, “Today is the day.”
Which is why I’m confused
that I’m already fourteen.

that day will eventually come anyways,
whether we like it or not

A regrettable dream
My eyes close
and I feel a kiss land upon my lips.
My eyes fill with tears
as I walk away

an experience i wish to never happen

My second love
What burns going down,
hurts twice as much coming up.

something i learned with my second love

Best friends
Life feels so lonely,
but when I’m with you,
life feels a little better.

thank you

Buzz
My limbs buzz
as if full of bees.
They surround my brain,
heating it until
I can no longer think.

an addiction in progress

Portal
When you hold me
there is no warmth.
Only a window
into your barren chest.

I would live
in the cavern of your chest.
Cold and barren,
and feels like hell.

i still love you anyways

Object permanence
Where are you when you’re not in my arms?

i guess you just don’t exist

Warning!
You may be falling in love.
Or not, you can’t tell.

Abuse
A half-burnt cigarette is still a cigarette.
A crumpled cigarette is still a cigarette.
A drunken cigarette is still a cigarette.

all of them still give you cancer

Totaled
My foot presses down on the petal,
60, 65 ,70, 75, 80.
My hands slowly release the wheel,
85, 90, 95, 100, 105.
My eyes shut tight,
110, 115, 120, 125, 0.

the light strains my eyes

Trees
If you say something,
yet nobody listens,
did you even say anything at all?

it doesn’t even matter

Universe
My body is covered in stars
in places you would never see again.
Only those who are close to me
can see what I truly am.

a universe, full of life

Cavern
I wish I could take
the knife you put in my back,
and put it directly in
your empty chest.

the pain is more emotional than physical

Art
Sometimes,
Expressing yourself through art
is better than any alternative.

even if it is taboo for your age

Big Bang
I am a universe
waiting to happen.

Water
My body hits the water.
I spin around, holding my breath.
I struggle, looking up towards the sky.
I inhale, and the struggle is over.

I sink into my bed, covered in cold sweat.
Confused, I look around. I look at my hands.

i cried that night

Trance
I stare at the wall.
My eyes and hands shake,
my brain feels numb.

i promised i would stop,
but i’m a liar

A Previous Love
I went to your house late that night.
You made me food, and made me feel loved.
Just like how you did so long ago.

i miss the love you gave me

Brand New
I stabbed into your chest.
Red poured out of you as if it were a river.
Blood smears across the wall,
in the shape of my handprint.

I put on new clothes,
a wig and contacts.
I showed up to your house,
and you said “Who are you?”

i don’t know anymore

Purge
Your fingers thrust down my throat.
I gag, almost throwing up.
You do it five more times,
and I finally commit the atrocious act.

Trauma
After that night,
I never wanted to see you again.
Every time I did see you, I almost cried.
You made me do things I never wanted to,
but I always blamed it on the alcohol.

though sometimes, i still think its my fault
(i promise you, it wasn’t)

Control
I rip the posters off my wall,
the tapestries off my ceiling.
I scream and yell things I now regret.
I cry and fall asleep.

i still love you, i promise

Rain
It’s always sunniest
right before it begins to rain.
Once it begins to rain,
the thunder and lightning begins.

a dark, disparaging path

Beauty
Sometimes, life doesn’t come
from the world,
but rather yourself.
Life is not about what happens,
but how you interpret it.

a lie i’ve been told my whole life

Eighth Grade Summer
When I saw you that night,
all I wanted to do was hold you.
You had made me feel so comfortable,
so happy.

do i still love you, or is it just the alcohol?

Streetlight
How could the streetlights
look so much brighter
than my future will ever be?

A Late 2019 Night
I held you that night,
as close as you’d let me.
I cried and hiccupped
until i fell asleep.

Static
My body is made of static
and my emotions
are flipping faster
than the channels on the TV.

faster than my flashbacks, at least